“On meurt deux fois, je le vois bien :
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Cesser d’aimer & d’être aimable,
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C’est une mort insupportable :
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Cesser de vivre, ce n’est rien.”. Source
This 18th-century French verse speaks a profound truth. It suggests we face two deaths. The first is an unbearable one: to stop loving and being loved. The second, the physical end, is comparatively nothing. When life delivers its heaviest blows, we can feel that first death. It feels like a part of us has shut down. The world loses its color, and joy seems like a distant memory. It is precisely in these moments, however, that we can find a lifeline. That lifeline is gratitude.
Cultivating What Is Gratitude? – Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley when you are struggling feels counterintuitive. It might even sound dismissive of your pain. Yet, it is not about ignoring the hardship. Instead, gratitude is about acknowledging the darkness while also searching for the smallest flicker of light. It is a conscious choice to shift your focus, even for a moment. This practice can rewire your perspective and build resilience when you need it most.
. The Science of Gratitude – Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley
Why Your Brain Clings to the Negative
Feeling stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts during tough times is completely normal. Our brains are wired with a negativity bias. This is an evolutionary trait that helped our ancestors survive. They paid close attention to threats and dangers. Consequently, your brain naturally gives more weight to negative experiences than positive ones. It’s a survival mechanism that, in modern life, can sometimes work against us.
This bias explains why one critical comment can overshadow a dozen compliments. It also explains why, during periods of stress or loss, the pain can feel all-consuming. Your mind is simply doing its job of scanning for problems. However, you have the power to consciously redirect its focus. The Science of Gratitude acts as a powerful counterbalance to this innate tendency. It trains your brain to notice the good, building new neural pathways that support a more balanced outlook.
The Science of a Grateful Mind
Gratitude is more than just a pleasant feeling. It creates measurable changes in your brain and body. When you practice gratitude, your brain releases dopamine and serotonin. These are the same neurotransmitters responsible for feelings of happiness and well-being. Think of it as a natural antidepressant. Consistently practicing gratitude can help these neural pathways strengthen, making it easier to access positive emotions. The neuroscience of gratitude and how it affects anxiety & grief
Furthermore, researchers have observed how gratitude impacts the brain’s structure. . This increased activity helps you regulate emotions and reduce feelings of stress. Over time, a grateful mindset can lower blood pressure, improve immune function, and lead to better sleep. The benefits are not just in your head; they are real, physiological changes that enhance your resilience. Source
Simple Ways to Start Your Gratitude Practice
Starting a gratitude practice does not require a huge effort. The key is consistency, not intensity. A few minutes each day can make a significant difference. The goal is to make it a gentle, sustainable habit that supports you through difficult periods.
One of the simplest methods is to keep a gratitude journal. Each day, write down three to five things you are grateful for. They do not have to be monumental. Perhaps you are thankful for a warm cup of coffee, a moment of quiet, or a supportive text from a friend. This simple act trains your brain to scan your day for positives instead of dwelling solely on the negatives. It anchors you in the present moment.
Another powerful technique is to express your thanks directly. You can write a letter to someone who has made a positive impact on your life. Reading it to them can be a deeply moving experience for both of you. Alternatively, you can simply make a point to verbally thank the people you interact with daily. Voicing your appreciation aloud reinforces the positive feeling and strengthens your social connections, which are crucial during hard times.
Finding Gratitude Within the Struggle
Perhaps the most profound level of gratitude involves finding it within the struggle itself. This does not mean being thankful for the pain or the loss. Instead, it means looking for the lessons, strength, or new perspectives the hardship has given you. Did the challenge reveal an inner strength you never knew you had? Did it clarify what is truly important in your life? Did it bring you closer to certain people?
This perspective shift is incredibly difficult, and it often only comes with time. It is about acknowledging that even the most painful experiences can be catalysts for growth. For example, losing a job might lead you to a more fulfilling career path. A health scare might inspire you to prioritize your well-being. Finding the silver lining does not erase the storm cloud, but it reminds you that the sun is still there.
In summary, embracing gratitude is not a denial of suffering. It is a powerful, active choice to seek balance. It is the practice of holding your pain in one hand and your blessings in the other. By doing so, you honor your struggle while building the emotional strength to move through it. You choose the first death—the end of love and connection—as truly unbearable and find a way to keep your heart open, even when it’s broken.