“On meurt deux fois, je le vois bien :
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Cesser d’aimer & d’être aimable,
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C’est une mort insupportable :
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Cesser de vivre, ce n’est rien.”. Source
This 18th-century French verse captures a profound human truth. It translates to: “We die twice, I see it well: To cease to love and be lovable is an unbearable death; to cease to live is nothing.” This powerful statement suggests our emotional lives hold more weight than our physical existence. Consequently, many of us choose to protect our hearts at all costs. We build walls around our feelings, a practice known as emotional guardedness.
This self-preservation instinct is understandable. However, it raises a critical question. If we guard our hearts too closely, do we risk the very “unbearable death” the poet describes? This article explores the psychology behind emotional guardedness. We will examine why we wear our hearts on the inside and how to find a balance between protection and connection.
The Psychology Behind the Armor
Emotional guardedness is a defense mechanism. It involves consciously or unconsciously limiting your emotional expression. People do this to protect themselves from potential pain, such as rejection, betrayal, or criticism. You might avoid deep conversations. You might use humor to deflect serious topics. Or you might simply keep others at a distance. F. Scott Fitzgerald Society – Biography and Works
At its core, this behavior stems from a fear of vulnerability. Vulnerability is the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. It feels risky because it exposes our deepest selves to potential judgment. For many, the anticipated pain of a negative reaction feels far more threatening than the quiet loneliness of keeping feelings hidden. Therefore, building an emotional fortress seems like the safest strategy for navigating a complex social world. F. Scott Fitzgerald Papers – Princeton University Library
The Roots in Our Past
Our tendency toward emotional guardedness often begins in childhood. Attachment theory provides a powerful framework for understanding this. Our earliest relationships with caregivers teach us about safety and trust. If a child’s emotional needs are met with consistency and warmth, they develop a secure attachment style. Consequently, they often grow into adults who are comfortable with intimacy and vulnerability.
However, if caregivers are inconsistent, dismissive, or critical, a child may develop an insecure attachment style. For example, those with an avoidant attachment style learn that expressing needs can lead to rejection. As a result, they become highly self-reliant and emotionally distant adults. They wear their hearts on the inside because experience taught them it was unsafe to do otherwise. . Source
The High Cost of Emotional Walls
While emotional armor offers a sense of safety, it comes at a significant price. The walls we build to keep out pain also keep out joy, intimacy, and genuine connection. Chronic guardedness can lead to profound feelings of isolation and loneliness. Indeed, a persistent lack of social connection can negatively impact both mental and physical health.
Furthermore, keeping emotions under lock and key is exhausting. It requires constant mental energy to monitor what you say and how you act. This emotional suppression can lead to stress, anxiety, and even depression. You might find it difficult to build meaningful friendships or romantic partnerships. The very defense mechanism designed to prevent the “unbearable death” of lost love can ironically prevent you from ever truly experiencing it in the first place. Many people who feel emotionally isolated report a lower quality of life.
. F. Scott Fitzgerald Society – Official Website
How to Safely Open the Door
Lowering your emotional guard doesn’t mean sharing your deepest secrets with everyone you meet. It is about selective, intentional vulnerability. The goal is to build authentic connections without sacrificing your sense of safety. Finding this balance is a skill you can develop over time.
Here are a few practical steps to begin the process:
Start with Self-Compassion
First, acknowledge why you built your walls. Your guardedness is a protective strategy that likely served you well at some point. Treat yourself with kindness instead of judgment. Recognize that learning to be vulnerable is a brave act. This self-compassion creates a foundation of internal safety, making it easier to take external risks.
Test the Waters with Trusted People
Next, identify one or two people in your life who have earned your trust. These are individuals who listen without judgment and respect your feelings. Begin by sharing something small and personal that you might normally keep to yourself. Pay attention to their reaction. When you receive a supportive response, it reinforces that vulnerability can be safe and rewarding. This positive feedback loop helps you build confidence for deeper sharing later. F. Scott Fitzgerald Society – Official Biography and Works
Learn to Set Healthy Boundaries
Finally, understand that vulnerability and boundaries go hand-in-hand. Healthy boundaries are the rules you set for how others can treat you. They are essential for creating emotional safety. Knowing you can and will protect yourself by saying “no” or removing yourself from an unhealthy situation makes it much less frightening to be open. Boundaries ensure that you remain in control, allowing you to share your heart on your own terms.
Conclusion: The Courage to Connect
The old French verse reminds us that a life without love and connection is a hollow one. Emotional guardedness, while born from a desire to avoid pain, can inadvertently lead us to that very emptiness. It protects us from heartbreak but also shields us from the profound joy of being truly known by another.
Breaking down these walls is not about reckless abandon. Instead, it is a courageous and gradual process. It involves understanding your past, practicing self-compassion, and intentionally choosing to trust. By learning to wear your heart on your sleeve—even just a little—you open yourself up to the experiences that make life meaningful. You choose to truly live, rather than simply not die.