“Avoidance is the best short-term strategy to escape conflict, and the best long-term strategy to ensure it.”
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– Brendon Burchard
This powerful statement from author and high-performance coach Brendon Burchard captures a fundamental human paradox. We often sidestep difficult conversations to keep the peace. However, this immediate relief frequently comes at a steep price. The strategy that saves us today can trap us tomorrow. Let’s explore the two sides of this quote and find a better way to handle disagreements.
The Short-Term Appeal of Avoidance
Facing conflict is uncomfortable. It can trigger stress, anxiety, and fear. Therefore, avoiding it feels like a logical and immediate solution. When you dodge a tough conversation, you instantly reduce that tension. Your heart rate might slow down. Your mind feels clearer. This feeling of relief is a powerful motivator. It reinforces the idea that avoidance works.
This behavior is rooted in our natural survival instincts. The fight-or-flight response pushes us to either confront a threat or escape it. In social situations, avoidance is the modern-day version of flight. You are escaping the perceived danger of emotional discomfort, rejection, or an argument. Consequently, you get a temporary reward: peace and quiet. This short-term gain makes avoidance a tempting and repeatable strategy for managing difficult situations.
The Illusion of Safety
Avoiding a problem doesn’t make it disappear. Instead, it often allows the issue to grow in the shadows. Think of it like a small leak under your sink. You can ignore it for a while, and for a short time, nothing bad happens. Over time, however, that small drip can cause significant water damage, mold, and costly repairs. The problem you initially avoided has now become a much larger crisis.
Similarly, unresolved interpersonal issues tend to fester. Small annoyances can build into deep-seated resentment. Misunderstandings left unaddressed can erode trust and damage relationships. The initial conflict, which might have been manageable, morphs into something far more complex and difficult to solve. The temporary peace you bought was just a loan with very high interest.
The Long-Term Cost: Ensuring Future Conflict
Burchard’s quote brilliantly highlights the inevitable outcome of avoidance. By not addressing issues directly, you are essentially guaranteeing they will resurface later, often with greater intensity. This happens for several key reasons. First, the root cause of the conflict remains. Without resolution, the same triggers will continue to cause problems.
Second, avoidance teaches others how to treat you. When you consistently sidestep disagreements, you signal that your boundaries are flexible or that your needs are secondary. This can lead to a pattern where others continue the behavior that caused the initial conflict. Consequently, you find yourself trapped in a cycle of frustration.
Finally, avoiding conflict harms communication. Healthy relationships, whether personal or professional, depend on open and honest dialogue. When you shut down difficult conversations, you prevent growth and understanding. Studies on workplace dynamics show that unresolved conflict is a major driver of employee turnover . This demonstrates the tangible, long-term costs of creating a culture of avoidance. Source
Moving from Avoidance to Action
If avoidance is a losing long-term strategy, what is the alternative? The answer is to develop skills for constructive conflict resolution. This doesn’t mean seeking out arguments. Instead, it means learning how to handle disagreements in a way that strengthens relationships rather than damaging them.
Here are a few practical steps to take:
- Address Issues Early: Handle problems when they are small and manageable. Don’t wait for them to escalate into major crises. A calm, early conversation is much easier than a heated argument later.
- Use “I” Statements: Frame your concerns from your own perspective. For example, instead of saying, “You always interrupt me,” try, “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted.” This approach reduces defensiveness and opens the door for productive dialogue.
- Practice Active Listening: Seek to understand the other person’s point of view. Listen without planning your rebuttal. Sometimes, people just want to feel heard and acknowledged. This simple act can de-escalate tension significantly.
- Focus on the Problem, Not the Person: Separate the issue from the individual. Attack the problem together as a team, rather than attacking each other. This collaborative mindset shifts the dynamic from adversarial to cooperative.
Ultimately, learning to navigate conflict is a skill. It takes practice and courage. However, by facing disagreements constructively, you build stronger, more resilient relationships and prevent the long-term pain that avoidance guarantees.