“On meurt deux fois, je le vois bien :
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Cesser d’aimer & d’être aimable,
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C’est une mort insupportable :
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Cesser de vivre, ce n’est rien.”. Source
This 17th-century reflection from Charles de Saint-Évremond speaks a powerful truth. It suggests we die twice. The first death, an unbearable one, is when we stop loving and being our authentic selves. The second, physical death, is nothing in comparison. This idea captures the essence of a silent epidemic. Many of us engage in a slow, emotional death by shrinking ourselves to fit into smaller spaces.
We do this to avoid conflict or judgment. We make ourselves smaller to seem more agreeable or less threatening. However, this self-diminishment comes at a great cost. It disconnects us from our power, our desires, and our very essence. This article explores why we shrink ourselves and, more importantly, how we can start taking up the space we deserve.
The Anatomy of Self-Diminishment
Shrinking is a subtle act of self-sabotage. It often happens so automatically that we barely notice it. For example, you might share a great idea in a meeting but quickly add, “But that’s just a thought.” You downplay your contribution before anyone else can. Or perhaps you receive a compliment on your work and immediately deflect it. You might say, “Oh, it was a team effort,” even when you did most of the heavy lifting.
. How Women Can Show Passion at Work Without Seeming ‘Emotional’
These behaviors appear in many areas of life. In relationships, you might silence your own needs to keep a partner happy. You avoid expressing disagreement to maintain a false sense of peace. Additionally, you might apologize for things that are not your fault. This habit reinforces the idea that your presence is an inconvenience. Each small act of shrinking chips away at your self-worth. Consequently, you begin to believe you are not worthy of taking up space, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The Psychological Drivers Behind Shrinking
Why do so many of us learn to make ourselves small? The reasons are often complex and deeply rooted in our past experiences and societal conditioning. Fear of judgment is a primary driver. We worry about what others will think if we are too loud, too ambitious, or too different. Therefore, we retreat into a safer, smaller version of ourselves to avoid potential criticism or rejection.
Imposter syndrome also plays a significant role. This is the persistent feeling that you are a fraud, despite evidence of your accomplishments. Indeed, research suggests this is a widespread issue. This feeling can paralyze you. It convinces you that you must hide your perceived inadequacies by staying quiet and invisible. As a result, you miss opportunities for growth and recognition. Source. Women’s Leadership and Self-Advocacy – Harvard Kennedy School
Furthermore, many people develop people-pleasing tendencies in childhood. You may have learned that being agreeable and compliant earned you love and approval. This pattern continues into adulthood. You prioritize others’ comfort over your own authenticity. Breaking this habit is difficult because it feels like you are risking the relationships you value. However, true connection thrives on honesty, not on one person’s self-sacrifice.
A Practical Guide to Reclaiming Your Space
Stopping this pattern requires conscious effort and practice. You can unlearn the habit of shrinking and build the confidence to be your full self. The journey starts with small, intentional steps. Over time, these actions build momentum, creating lasting change in how you see yourself and interact with the world. You have the power to reverse this trend.
1. Identify Your Triggers
First, you must build self-awareness. Pay close attention to when and why you shrink. Does it happen around a specific person? Is it more common in professional settings or personal relationships? Keep a journal for a week. Note every instance where you downplayed an achievement, silenced your opinion, or apologized unnecessarily. Identifying these triggers is the first step toward changing your response to them. This awareness gives you the power to choose a different action in the future. Setting Boundaries – Mental Health America
2. Practice Firm and Kind Boundaries
Boundaries are not walls to push people away. Instead, they are guidelines that teach others how to treat you with respect. Start small. For example, practice saying “no” to a small request that you do not have the time or energy for. You can say, “I can’t commit to that right now.” You do not need a long explanation. Clear boundaries protect your energy. They also send a powerful message to yourself and others: your needs matter. Women’s Leadership and Self-Advocacy in Professional Settings
3. Amplify Your Voice
Reclaiming your space means using your voice. Challenge yourself to speak up in low-stakes situations. For instance, share your opinion on a movie with friends. Offer a suggestion in a team meeting. The goal is not to dominate the conversation. The objective is to contribute your unique perspective. Your voice has value. Practice using it until it feels natural and strong. Each time you speak your mind, you reinforce the belief that what you have to say is important and worth hearing.
4. Embrace Self-Compassion
Finally, treat yourself with kindness. You will make mistakes on this journey. There will be days when you fall back into old patterns. Instead of criticizing yourself, practice self-compassion. Acknowledge the feeling without judgment. Then, gently remind yourself of your goal. Remember that unlearning a lifetime of conditioning takes time. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small it seems. This compassionate mindset is essential for sustainable growth and helps you build resilience for the path ahead. Women’s Empowerment and Gender Equality – United Nations
In conclusion, ceasing to be your authentic self is the “unbearable death” Saint-Évremond described. Reclaiming your space is an act of profound self-love. It is a declaration that you are worthy of being seen and heard. By understanding your triggers, setting boundaries, using your voice, and practicing self-compassion, you can stop shrinking. You can start living a fuller, more authentic life.