“Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.”
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— W.E.B. DuBois
This powerful statement from acclaimed sociologist and activist W.E.B. DuBois cuts to the core of parenting, mentorship, and education. It suggests a profound truth. The lessons we impart through our character and actions resonate more deeply than the words we speak. While direct instruction has its place, the silent curriculum of our lives leaves the most permanent mark on the next generation. Therefore, understanding this quote is essential for anyone guiding a child.
Ultimately, it’s a call to self-reflection. It asks us to consider the person we are and the example we set. Children are constant observers. They absorb our habits, our reactions, and our values with incredible precision. This process of learning through observation is a fundamental part of human development. It shapes their understanding of the world long before they can grasp complex verbal lessons.
The Power of Being vs. The Limits of Teaching
The quote draws a sharp distinction between “what you are” and “what you teach.” Let’s explore this difference. “What you teach” refers to the explicit knowledge and rules you communicate. This includes telling a child to be kind, to tell the truth, or to work hard. These are important, of course. They provide a framework for moral and ethical behavior. However, these lessons can feel abstract to a child.
In contrast, “what you are” is the living embodiment of your values. It is the kindness you show to a stranger. It is the honesty you display when you make a mistake. It is the resilience you demonstrate when facing a challenge. Children don’t just hear your words; they see your actions. When your actions align with your teachings, the lesson becomes concrete and powerful. But when they conflict, children often trust what they see over what they hear. This creates a disconnect that can undermine even the best-intentioned advice.
Learning Through a Looking Glass
Psychologists have long understood this phenomenon. The concept of observational learning, or modeling, is a cornerstone of developmental psychology. . Children naturally imitate the behaviors of significant adults in their lives. They see how you handle stress, resolve conflicts, and express emotions. They notice your work ethic, your compassion, and your integrity. Source
These observations become the building blocks of their own character. For example, if you consistently treat others with respect, your child learns that respect is a core value. Conversely, if you speak about honesty but act deceitfully, your child receives a confusing and contradictory message. They learn that what adults say isn’t always what they mean. This can erode trust and make all verbal lessons less effective. Research often highlights that children view parental actions as a primary source for their own moral compass.
Putting the Principle into Practice
Living by DuBois’s wisdom requires conscious effort and self-awareness. It is not about achieving perfection. Instead, it is about striving for authenticity and consistency in our daily lives. This means we must model the very behaviors we hope to instill in our children.
Model the Behavior You Want to See
If you want your child to be empathetic, let them see you listen actively and offer comfort to others. If you value curiosity, share your own interests and explore new topics with them. When you make a mistake, own it and apologize. This teaches accountability far more effectively than a lecture on the importance of saying sorry. Your actions provide a real-world blueprint for them to follow.
Furthermore, consider how you react under pressure. A child who sees a parent calmly navigate a frustrating situation learns valuable emotional regulation skills. A child who witnesses a parent giving up easily learns that perseverance is not important. Every day presents countless opportunities to teach through being. These moments, though seemingly small, collectively shape a child’s developing character. The consistency of your actions provides a stable and predictable environment where positive traits can flourish.