“On meurt deux fois, je le vois bien :
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Cesser d’aimer & d’être aimable,
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C’est une mort insupportable :
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Cesser de vivre, ce n’est rien.”. Source
This 18th-century insight translates to: “We die twice, I see it clearly: To cease to love and be lovable is an unbearable death. To cease to live is nothing.” This sentiment speaks to a deep human truth about our need for connection and self-worth. Indeed, modern neuroscience now confirms what poets have long felt. The feeling of worthlessness can feel like a kind of death. However, science also offers hope. Your brain has the remarkable ability to change. You can actively build the belief and self-confidence that make life feel vibrant and meaningful. This process begins with understanding the science behind your own mind.
The Neurological Weight of Social Connection
The quote powerfully separates physical death from the “unbearable death” of losing love. This isn’t just poetic drama. Our brains are hardwired for social connection. When we feel accepted and “lovable,” our brain’s reward system activates. It releases chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. These neurochemicals create feelings of pleasure and bonding. Consequently, they motivate us to seek more positive social interactions. This feedback loop is essential for our mental well-being.
Conversely, social rejection triggers the same brain regions that process physical pain. . This is why a harsh criticism or a broken relationship can hurt so intensely. The poet’s words capture this neurological reality perfectly. Losing the ability to connect—to love and feel loved—sends distress signals through our brain. It is a profound and painful experience that can erode our sense of self. Source
. The Science of Self-Confidence
How Your Brain Builds (and Breaks) Belief
The Science of Self-Confidence – Harvard Business Review is not a fixed trait you are born with. It is a dynamic state that your brain constructs based on experiences. This is possible because of a principle called neuroplasticity. Essentially, your brain can reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. It constantly adapts to your thoughts, actions, and environment. Think of your brain’s pathways like trails in a forest. The more you travel a path, the wider and more defined it becomes.
When you have negative experiences, your brain can form strong pathways that reinforce self-doubt. For example, if a presentation at work goes poorly, your brain might link public speaking with feelings of fear and failure. Your amygdala, the brain’s threat detector, becomes highly active in similar situations. Over time, this repeated activation creates a default negative response. This process makes self-limiting beliefs feel automatic and true. Your brain learns to expect failure, thus chipping away at your confidence. But because of neuroplasticity, you can create new trails.
Rewiring Your Brain for Confidence
You can consciously build new, positive neural pathways. This process takes effort and consistency, but it empowers you to take control of your self-belief. It involves training your brain to think and act in new ways, weakening the old pathways of self-doubt and strengthening new ones based on confidence and self-worth. Researchers have identified several effective methods to guide this rewiring process.
One of the most powerful techniques comes from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT teaches you to identify, question, and change destructive thought patterns. For instance, you might catch yourself thinking, “I will definitely fail this interview.” Using a CBT approach, you would challenge this thought. You can ask for evidence. “What proof do I have that I will fail? What are my strengths?” This simple act of questioning interrupts the automatic negative loop. It engages your prefrontal cortex, the center of rational thought, giving it power over the amygdala’s fear response.
Furthermore, you can build confidence by focusing on small, manageable wins. When you set and achieve a small goal, like going for a 10-minute walk or organizing one desk drawer, your brain releases dopamine. This creates a feeling of accomplishment and reward. It tells your brain, “This is good. Let’s do it again.” Consistently accumulating these small wins proves to your brain that you are capable and effective. Over time, this can significantly boost overall confidence. Some experts suggest this consistent action can improve self-reported confidence by a notable margin in just a few months.
The Science of Self-Compassion
The quote begins with “Cesser d’aimer”—to cease loving. While it often implies loving others, the journey to feeling “lovable” must start with loving yourself. This is where Self-compassion comes in. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a good friend, especially when you fail or feel inadequate. Many people mistakenly believe self-criticism is a good motivator. However, research shows the opposite is true.
Harsh self-criticism activates the brain’s threat system. It fuels anxiety and fear of failure, which can lead to procrastination and disengagement. In contrast, self-compassion activates the brain’s self-soothing systems. It reduces the stress hormone cortisol and encourages a mindset of growth and resilience. When you practice self-compassion, you acknowledge your mistakes without judgment. This allows you to learn from them and try again. It builds an inner sense of security that does not depend on external praise.
. Self-Confidence – American Psychological Association
Practicing mindfulness is an excellent way to cultivate this skill. Mindfulness helps you observe your thoughts and feelings without getting swept away by them. This creates a small space between a trigger and your reaction. In that space, you can choose to respond with self-kindness instead of self-criticism. This practice strengthens your prefrontal cortex, enhancing emotional regulation. Ultimately, it builds a stable foundation of self-worth from the inside out.
Conclusion
The 18th-century poet’s words ring true today. The “unbearable death” of feeling unloved and unlovable is a profound psychological wound. It is the erosion of the self-belief that makes life worth living. However, we now have a scientific understanding that the poet lacked. We know that self-confidence is not a matter of luck but a skill that can be built.
Your brain is remarkably malleable. Through conscious practices like challenging negative thoughts, celebrating small victories, and cultivating self-compassion, you can actively forge new neural pathways. You can teach your brain to build belief in itself. This journey transforms self-confidence from an elusive concept into an achievable outcome. It is the process of choosing to live fully, rather than succumbing to the slow death of self-doubt.