“On meurt deux fois, je le vois bien :
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Cesser d’aimer & d’être aimable,
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C’est une mort insupportable :
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Cesser de vivre, ce n’est rien.”. Source
This poignant verse comes from the 17th-century French poet Jean de La Fontaine. It translates to a powerful observation about life and loss. “We die twice, I see it well,” he writes. “To cease to love and be lovable, that is an unbearable death. To cease to live, that is nothing.” La Fontaine suggests that the true tragedy is not physical death. Instead, it is the emotional death we experience when we lose our capacity for connection.
This idea strikes at the heart of a modern struggle: the pursuit of perfection. We often believe that being perfect will make us more worthy of love. However, the relentless chase for an impossible standard can do the opposite. It can isolate us, drain our joy, and ironically, make us cease to be both loving and lovable. This journey is about moving beyond perfection. It is about finding profound joy in the messy, beautiful process of growth and imperfection. Jean de La Fontaine | French poet
The Unbearable Weight of Perfection
Perfectionism is not the same as healthy ambition. It is not about striving for excellence. Instead, it is a debilitating belief that we must be flawless to be accepted. This mindset transforms the drive to succeed into a deep-seated fear of failure. Every task becomes a test of our worth. Consequently, any mistake feels like a personal indictment, leading to anxiety, stress, and burnout.
. The Psychology of Perfectionism: Theory, Research, and Treatment
This constant pressure stifles creativity and risk-taking. Why try something new if you might not do it perfectly? Procrastination becomes a common defense mechanism. After all, you cannot fail at a task you never start. In relationships, perfectionism can manifest as constant criticism of oneself and others. This creates distance and resentment. It pushes people away, slowly leading to the very isolation La Fontaine described as an “unbearable death.”
Finding Beauty in the Flaws
The Japanese philosophy of wabi-sabi offers a powerful antidote to this mindset. It is an worldview centered on the acceptance of transience and imperfection. Wabi-sabi finds beauty not in flawless symmetry but in the authentic marks of age and use. It celebrates the cracks, the weathering, and the unique character that comes from a life fully lived.
A perfect example is the art of Kintsugi. When a piece of pottery breaks, artisans mend it with lacquer dusted with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Instead of hiding the cracks, Kintsugi highlights them. The piece becomes more beautiful and valuable not despite its breakage, but because of it. This practice teaches a profound lesson. Our scars, mistakes, and imperfections are part of our story. They add depth and resilience to our character.
The Shift to a Growth Mindset
To truly embrace imperfection, we must change how we view our abilities. Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck‘s research on mindsets provides a clear path forward. She identifies two core beliefs about intelligence and talent. A “fixed mindset” assumes our qualities are carved in stone. This creates an urgent need to prove yourself over and over. Conversely, a “growth mindset” thrives on challenge. It sees failure not as evidence of unintelligence but as a catalyst for growth. Source
Adopting a growth mindset frees us from the tyranny of perfection. Suddenly, a mistake is no longer a catastrophe. It is an opportunity to learn. This shift encourages curiosity and resilience. People with a growth mindset are more likely to persevere through setbacks. They ultimately achieve more than their fixed-mindset peers. This is because they focus on the process of becoming, not just the pressure of being.
. Growth Mindset – Carol Dweck Research
Practical Steps to Embrace Your Journey
Moving from a perfectionist ideal to a growth-oriented reality requires conscious practice. It is about building new mental habits. Fortunately, several simple strategies can help you cultivate self-compassion and find joy in the journey.
Practice Mindful Self-Talk
Your inner critic is often the loudest voice of perfectionism. The first step is to simply notice it. When you hear that harsh, critical voice, acknowledge it without judgment. Then, actively reframe the thought. For example, instead of “I can’t believe I made that stupid mistake,” try “That didn’t go as planned. What can I learn from this?” This small change shifts your focus from self-blame to self-improvement.
Celebrate the Process, Not Just the Outcome
Perfectionism fixates on the final product. To counteract this, make a conscious effort to celebrate your progress along the way. Did you take a small step toward a big goal? Acknowledge it. Did you try something difficult, even if you didn’t succeed immediately? That is a victory for courage. By rewarding effort and learning, you reinforce the values of a Growth Mindset – Harvard Business Review. This makes the journey itself rewarding, reducing the pressure on achieving a flawless result.
Connect Through Vulnerability
Perfectionism tells us to hide our flaws. However, true human connection is built on authenticity. Sharing your struggles and imperfections with people you trust is an act of courage. It shows them that it is safe to be themselves around you. Vulnerability fosters intimacy and reminds us we are not alone in our imperfections. This is how we truly become “lovable” and learn “to love” in return, avoiding the emotional death La Fontaine warned us about. Growth Mindset – Stanford University
In conclusion, the pursuit of perfection is a hollow one. It promises acceptance but delivers only anxiety and isolation. The richer, more joyful path lies in embracing our imperfect, ever-evolving selves. By adopting a growth mindset, celebrating our flaws, and connecting authentically with others, we can step away from the edge of that “unbearable death.” We can choose to live fully, not as flawless statues, but as resilient, growing, and deeply connected human beings.