The Most Common Form of Despair Is Not Being Who You Are

Carl Rogers

“The most common form of despair is not being who you are.”

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This powerful statement resonates with many. It speaks to a deep, universal truth about authenticity and the human condition. People often attribute this profound insight to the Danish existentialist philosopher, Søren Kierkegaard. However, the story behind this quote is more complex than a simple attribution. It reveals a fascinating journey of an idea through time and interpretation.

While the sentiment certainly echoes Kierkegaard’s philosophy, he never wrote those exact words. The quote as we know it today is the result of a multi-decade game of telephone. It started with complex philosophical arguments and slowly transformed into the concise, memorable phrase we now see.

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The Philosophical Source: Kierkegaard’s True Words

To find the origin, we must turn to Kierkegaard‘s 1849 masterpiece, The Sickness unto Death. In this dense work, he explores the nature of despair in great detail. His actual writings are far more intricate than the popular quote. For instance, Kierkegaard argued that the self has a complex relationship with its own existence and with the divine power that created it.

He wrote, “That self which he despairingly wills to be is a self which he is not (for to will to be that self which one truly is, is indeed the opposite of despair).” Furthermore, he identified different forms of this struggle. He described one form as, “in despair at not willing to be oneself.” He also noted a lower form, “in despair at not willing to be a self.” The lowest form of all, he claimed, was despairing to be another person entirely. These concepts are the seeds from which the modern quote grew.

The Transformation Begins: Carl Rogers’ Interpretation

The first major step in this evolution came from American psychologist Carl Rogers. As a foundational figure in humanistic psychology, Rogers admired Kierkegaard’s insights. In a 1956 article for Pastoral Psychology, he paraphrased the philosopher’s ideas to make them more accessible. Source

Rogers wrote that Kierkegaard “points out that the most common despair is to be in despair at not choosing, or willing, to be one’s self.” He also highlighted that the “deepest form of despair is to choose ‘to be another than himself.’” Rogers’ interpretation skillfully captured the essence of Kierkegaard’s thought. However, by simplifying it, he also set it on a new path. This version reached a much wider audience when Rogers included the essay in his landmark 1961 book, On Becoming a Person.

The Idea Spreads Through Psychology

Carl Rogers – American Psychological Association‘ influence ensured his paraphrase became the dominant understanding of Kierkegaard’s view on despair within psychological circles. In 1983, author John Rowan published The Reality Game: A Guide To Humanistic Counselling and Psychotherapy. In his book, Rowan quoted Rogers’ interpretation directly, citing On Becoming a Person as his source. This step further solidified the paraphrased version’s legitimacy. Each retelling moved the idea further from its original, complex phrasing while preserving its core message.

. John Rowan – The Reality Game: A Guide to Humanistic Counselling and Psychotherapy

The Final Form: From Psychology to Pop Culture

The quote continued its journey outside of academic psychology. Astrologer Howard Sasportas condensed the idea even more in his 1985 book, The Twelve Houses. He wrote, “The Danish philosopher Kierkegaard observed that the most common form of despair is that of not being who we really are.” Sasportas correctly noted his source chain, referencing Rogers quoting Kierkegaard via Rowan’s book. This shows a clear lineage of interpretation. Jill Badonsky – Official Author Website

The final, simplified quote appeared to crystallize by the early 2000s. For example, in 2003, author Jill Badonsky included it in her book, The Nine Modern Day Muses (and a Bodyguard). The attribution was simple and direct: “The most common form of despair is not being who you are. —Søren Kierkegaard, existential philosopher.” By this point, the chain of interpretation had vanished. The misattribution was now complete and would spread across the internet and popular culture.

Why The Misattributed Quote Endures

So, does the incorrect attribution matter? In one sense, it does. Academic and historical accuracy is important for understanding the true context of a philosopher’s work. However, the quote’s endurance reveals a deeper truth. It persists because it powerfully articulates a genuine human struggle.

The pain of inauthenticity is a real and common experience. It is the despair of wearing a mask, of living up to others’ expectations instead of your own. It is the quiet agony of knowing you are not living as your true self. The quote, regardless of its author, gives a name to this feeling. It validates the struggle and points toward a solution: the courageous act of choosing to be who you are. While Søren Kierkegaard (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy) may not have said it so simply, the message undoubtedly captures the spirit of his existential philosophy.